Its All About the Perspective.

The weather here in Arizona has been going ballistic. I was out lying by the pool just last week in almost 80 degree temperature and today... it was 37 when I woke up... with snow on the mountains. Its nuts.


The beginning of this month, my roommate and I were without heat or hot water for a good 5 days. Yeah this house was smelling delightful, also it was beyond freezing. The gas was turned off so we could not even use the stove to cook macaroni and cheese (which was all I wanted) and we heated the oven to like 400 just so we could leave it open to warm up the kitchen.... like a wall fire. We have a fish pond in the backyard that started out with about 40 goldfish and 7 Koi... now there are only 3 mega huge goldfish left... anyways it had ice on the top of it. Popsicle fish.


But it is all about the perspective which I was reminded of by this little picture:

 

As my mom would say "Eeeeeeeyore".

I am so close to being done with my class about community colleges, hallelujah! And I just registered for my final two graduate level classes which will begin in June and both be finished by the end of July. Boom. Mastered. I will say, after my fluke-ish easiest first semester, this grad school tough is harder than I thought. Or maybe just as hard I thought but then I had that first easy semester so then I was confused by the time the real classes showed up. Make sense?


Lucy and I baked the most delicious cupcakes last night. And when I say Lucy and I, you know I mean just Lucy, right? I did, however, grate the zest from the oranges. Actually I am going go eat another one of those babies right.. now!


I'm back, extra yummy. I had to write a paper tonight but afterwards Lucy started texting me about skydiving. I am would like to go sooooo bad, its on my bucket list so mom: Can I please go skydiving with Lucy pretty please?? We will be extra careful and you only live once! Also you can come too if you'd like.


Hopefully that will work... Boom. Posted.

The Movies of Today.

I am so over the movies of today. My friend Lyndsie and I went to see Hall Pass for the first showing of the day (because I refuse to pay full price unless its a 3-D must see or something to that effect) so it was only $5.50. I also don't really like to see a lot of movies when they first come out because I want to hear what gross parts are involved before I decide if I want to see i it or not, more than likely not. Anyways, wish I hadn't seen this one... super stupid, beyond stupid. A few funny parts but they were quickly covered in stupid. Also there was a baby in the theater... that's right, and infant. Who brings a baby into a rated R movie? Then let's it cry for like 3 minutes straight without taking it out of the room? People were yelling "Get that baby out of here!" Hahaha there was almost a mutiny. Lyndsie was not happy about it either.


You know what also bugs me, I am trying to watch a comedy... please do not show me terrifying previews of some new film that is from the makers of Paranormal Activity. I had to close my eyes the entire preview because if I catch even the tiniest glimpse of some crazy creature I will never forget it... and it will haunt me forever. I cannot bear to watch scary movies. One of my oldest friends, Abbey, was asked out by a kid I knew when we were back in highschool. She didn't really want to go so I double dated it with her and my friend Kyle. I thought we were going to see March of the Penguins, nice, wholesome, family movie... but no. They wanted to see the The Exorcism of Emily Rose, needless to say I was outvoted and was forced to hide under my jacket the literal duration of the movie... couldn't handle it.


My name is Lauren and I am terrified of everything. Boom. Posted.

Crying At the World.

Here's the deal: I am very big on emotions and empathy. I cry at every event, large or small, and there is no way I will not cry. So today... of course... I am crying because there are only 2 finalist left on "Your OWN show" hosted on the new Oprah Winfrey Network and Oprah gets to choose the next person to have their own show. Well the competition was between a a young mother who wanted to do a cooking show and a man with Cerebral Palsy in a wheelchair who wants to do a traveling show. This man is seriously so hilarious and inspirational and I would just die if he didn't win.  Also I would really want to watch his show. Well Oprah, being the amazing woman she is, picked them both, BOTH! I could hardly contain my tears... well I couldn't at all. Here is a link of his idea before the show, please watch it... it is great! (Unrated due to one word, so watch it first Kenneth, otherwise totally G)


http://www.youtube.com/user/ZachAnner#p/a/u/0/kFv2ISLN8rM


The floodgates were already loose though, because American Idol was on earlier and I never watch that show but since my life is so hectic these days I figured I probably should add this one to the list and this was the final cut before America decides. So a lot a people went home and I felt for them all.


I always get terrible headaches when I cry, too, so you'd think I would stop by now.


I am currently in a long distance relationship with my boyfriend, Blake and I gotta tell ya... It is not very fun and you can only pawn off so much of your unwanted jewelry. You should have seen me walking into a pawn shop... actually two! (You gotta compare prices). Regardless it was quite the spectacle and I got a good amount of money, so well worth the definite disease I probably got just by touching the handle to get in the place. I do not understand how businesses like that (who have no sense of cleanliness or order) still survive in this nation's germ-a-phob and obsessive complusive complex. Although, I guess I do have to take into consideration the usualy people who frequent those shops... forgot about them.


Okay clearly it is too late to continue writing considering I am moving on to the topic of Pawn Shop People so until next time... boom. posted.

Prank Calls.

Okay everyone. Today was not the most eventful of days other than the fact that Lucy and Amy came over to watch the Wildcats (12-2) lose to the Trojans (7-7)...unbelievable. It was a stressful game but we had a good time attempting to prank call Nelson and Lucy's brother Bryan during half time. We tried to call Bryan from Amy's phone and he recognized the number so we thought it was a fluke, then we called him from my phone and he knew my number too! This was too weird but as it turned out he had Lucy's old phone with all her old numbers still saved... creep.


Nelson, on the other hand, was convinced that Amy was some girl "Claire" that he met at some  function he attended who mysteriously got his number. She could have kept going with it but dropped the ball... as per usual. Then after the game we spent the rest of the night soaking up in the hot tub checking out the shooting stars. But of course right in the middle of our soak, the neighbor's bathroom light turns on.


Now this light is right above the shower and shines directly into the spa without any hindrance. We noticed very early on that our neighbors like to wash underneath their underarms because once we saw a hand appear in the window, then disappear, then the other hand appear. Threw us all for a loop the first time but now its weird if the hand doesn't try and join the party.


I have one video that I would like to show everyone. One of the cutest and motivational videos I have ever seen: (Its rated extra G Uncle Kenny)

Isn't that just the sweetest thing. The heart of a champion. I'm exhausted. Boom. Posted.

The Trumpet Section of Life.

Today is a Wednesday and on Wednesdays I go to Yoga. My one hour strictly devoted to exercise for the whole week. Some friends came to join in and it was great... until the band showed up. Now I have been in classes where a little wind breaks loose here or there but they are usually pretty minor and one per class, MAX. Today we had two EARTH SHATTERING episodes of wind breaking that you have ever heard in your entire life and the most amazing thing is that no one ever laughs... except for me. I kept it to myself but they are so loud and how can you not excuse yourself? If it were me, I would probably try to laugh it off and be like *fart* "Oh, haha, sorry guys, i need to lay off the Taco Bell!" I mean something to that effect... But no, nothing from the brass section, just an extra encore lingering in the midst ready to makes its debut when you least expect it.


Before that whole fiasco I finished one of the projects I have been working on, a tree collage made out of buttons shown here :

I hung it up in my bathroom

My roommate even donated some buttons

 So that is what I have been working on the past couple days, just glad I found a place to put it. I got the idea from www.pinterest.com which is seriously an awesome website, love it.


I was showing my mother my new finished project over iChat and as we are chatting I was attempting to clean my room. Then I noticed out my window something strange wheel by. No not a car or a bicycle, but this:

Yeah that is my neighbor's dog, with training wheels.(I knew you guys would appreciate it so I took this pic out of my window, paparazzi status.) I guess it is pretty sad since the poor thing has a bad hip or something but one of my roommate's friend's has a dog who has trouble walking so she just wheels it around in like a doggie suitcase with its head sticking out.


One time I was driving home and I see a three owners and 7 dogs all knotted and tied up in the leashes, but the suitcase dog was freestanding outside of the commotion. I laugh seeing my roommate and Coco are involved and I call out to Coco. Well she bounds around the mess of leashes, heading towards me in my car and knocks the suitcase dog out da suitcase! (I am laughing hysterically as I am recollecting this.) The poor thing was flopping around trying to find its bearings, freaking funniest thing I have ever seen out on the streets.


Today I also danced a little bit on the Kinect and if you don't know what that is or haven't gotten a chance to play with one yet... it is incredible! Its like the Wii but without controllers and its for Xbox. I taped myself just for you but I cannot post the whole thing... its too mortifying. 

I got to enjoy a date with my boyfriend via Skype, today. We had a movie date and watched James and the Giant Peach (one of my all time favorites) and it was wonderful. But, during the middle of the movie, Coco starts barking and the gardener is at the door. He lets me know he is going to walk around and take an estimate of the damage (I mean our wonderful work, mother :) and in the one minute he tells me that, I already forget. So I go back to the movie, with Blake on the computer, and out of the corner of my eye I see some guy creeping around my pool and almost have a heart attack... Come on short term memory, you can do it... Boom. Posted.

Running Late.

Here's a joke (answer will be at the end): What's green and has wheels?


I wake up this morning to a text from my boss at the golf shop, "Do you know you are scheduled to come in today at 9am?" It was 9:20am by that point, "Oh NO!" whoops! I confused this week's schedule for next week's thinking I had to be in at 10. SO I run out of bed and get dressed in 15 minutes, drive a a whole minute down to the club (traffic was brutal in the neighborhood today) and run through the kitchen with sleep lines still on my face... Good morning.


I work until around 3, make some great tips and then come home to enjoy the beautiful day. I was all excited to get back to work on my projects and crafts but I sat down in the armchair all squenched up and feel asleep for an hour. I woke up, and this is not a joke, this is real life, I woke up because I was dreaming about Toy Story 3 and Barbie and Ken were all kissing and what not... I was like watching them from the shadows. I think I was one of those aliens from Pizza Planet, "You have been chosen." Ya well, I wish I hadn't been chosen to dream that! I got the jeeblies when I realized what I had witnessed... felt like a creep.


My dreams have been rather strange lately, period. The other night I tried to save a baby killer whale from the ocean because this other killer whale had gone rouge or something and was eating its own kind. I saved the baby but its mother was literally strangled by the rogue shamu... I couldn't shield the baby's eyes in enough time, it was horrible.


My roommate and I have a gardener who comes every once and a while to help us keep the yard intact and it is a father-son business. Well the guys are great, very friendly (they know we are helpless so they come by all the time just to make sure every thing is still okay an we haven't killed all the plants yet). They have a couple workers who are a little older than me and the first time they came were very chatty with me. The last time they were here, Blake was in town so they got the hint and kinda backed off, but they are still nice. Well my roommate was talking to the father today about when they should come next and he was asking about me and how school was, etc. Then my roommate sets up the date for them to come next which is when my parents will be in town. She said he can show her son-in-law what needs to be done and he replied "oh, is that that one young man, Blake?" to which my roommate replied "No that is my grand daughter's boyfriend." So he remembers and then laughs and says "Oh that's right, well some of my boys were asking about how your grand daughter was a while ago and if your house was scheduled anytime soon, they want an update on the relationship." Whatdaheck? The yard boys are asking about me... Maybe I should stop making milkshakes (I'll explain later mom).


Answer: Grass, I lied about the wheels.


BOOM. POSTED.

Check Out Some of My Reviews.

Are you bored and need something hilarious to read? Well then you are about to get BOOM. POSTED.  Check out some of these fabulous, unaltered reviews:

“It’s like a book. Like waiting for the next Harry Potter to come out”   -Blake
“LAUREN's MOM leave it be, its exsheellllent" -Cassie
“You’re my favorite”   -Natalie
“I feel so honored (to be in your unbelievably magnificent blog)!!”    -Allison
“You might just have a hidden talent”   -My mother
“School must be slow if she has time to blog like that.”    -My Uncle Kenny
“I’ve been voted class clown on numerous occasions”   -That one’s from me

Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden.

Did you know that's what golf stands for? Gentlemen Only, Ladies Forbidden... what is that crap? I am surprised the feminist womyn society of today still haven't fixed that little glitch.


Well regardless, I hate golf. H A T E golf. Yes I work at a golf course, yes my amazing boyfriend also works at a golf course and loves to play golf, yes his whole family plays golf, yes my father loves golf, well... I despise it. I even kinda grew up around golf. My roommate's late husband, my Grandpa Don, was an awesome golfer, and they even lived on a golf course. We would go out before dusk and look for golf balls...and that was fun and all but I just don't like the sport of golf.


I like to drive the golf cart... does that count for anything?


Almost every time I am at work I get asked if I am on the University golf team... bahahaha that's a good one. One old man even went as far as to say I looked just like a girl from a couple years ago and he even thought her name was Lauren. Listen up old man, I was never on the University's team nor will I ever be. The closest I come to a golfer is wearing this polo a couple times a week.


For the University's Family Weekend this year the football game was against Oregon State, my boyfriend Blake's school. So he and his his family came to visit his middle brother, Ryan, who is a sophomore here in town. So guess what his whole family wanted to do... golf...the WHOLE weekend. Of course I loved hanging out with them but this was all I could do:

And the sad thing is I really was trying to hit those mushrooms... I was wanting them to explode but I couldn't even hit one. Also I would run around on the green while they were trying to putt yelling "Rick Rick Rick Rick RICKKKK!" Which comes from this Saturday Night Live gem:


http://www.hulu.com/watch/19279/saturday-night-live-kaitlin-at-the-mall


(Unfortunately since it is from Hulu.com you have to click the link, but man is it worth it.)


Today I was running a bunch of errands because I am trying do some crafts that I have been drooling over lately. But the problem today was that while I was inching around this incredibly overcrowded antique store, I began to feel nauseous. Now I have had this feeling before, I remember it from when we used to walk around the Natural History Museums in D.C. Looking at all those mannequin cave men and the lingering smell of formaldehyde really makes me want to vom. And at that antique store with all those creepy dolls and dirty china... I was feeling largely woozy. Then, after all that, I went to Walmart (like an idiot), witnessed all the freaks walking around then I stood in line behind a lady who literally smelled like a litter box fell on a rotting carcass... it was beyond rank. I almost died.


I hate golf and people who smell like butt.


I had a box of mints that said "please enjoy a mint since your breath smells like butt"... Boom. Posted.

Rainy Day.

I talked to my old friend Jay tonight and he introduced me to this commercial from ESPN: 

(this exactly how it is in Alabama)

It actually rained a little bit today on the east side of town and you know what that means... No not sustenance and moisture for the vegetation, or the calming of the dust around the city but...


Coco Storm Melt Down Alert.


If there is any sense of a change in the weather, my roommate's fearless dog, Coco, is to the... oh no wait, she is trying to scratch her way into the bath tub. This little dog literally goes ballistic when the wind picks up and it sprinkles just the tiniest amount. She starts to pant really hard and her eyes bug out in an impossible way. She runs around the house with her tail between her legs trying to escape the dreaded water droplets against our windows.


The worst is monsoon season because her whole body quivers in fear and she won't eat anything,  afraid the water will soon take over our whole house and the thunder will murder us all one by one... honestly, I don't know what she thinks but it's got to be something to that effect, right? Why else would find the need to run to one of the things she is most terrified of in this world... my bedroom.


Here is a little clip of what she sounds like during a storm (without my prompting):

My roommate was filming, of course. I guess now you can see why Coco dreads my bedroom so much... opps.


Do you want to know what I have been working on all day... homework. And I would just leave it at that but in actuality as a graduate student of the Human Relations program I am enrolled in a class focused on the life and times of community colleges.


Oh yeah, that's right. It was an elective option so who wouldn't think "wow, this will be the easiest class I could ever take..." FALSE. One of the hardest, most pointless classes I have ever taken in my whole 15 years of education. The worst part is that it is condensed into 8 weeks so all the nonsense is even more dense and concentrated. I just wrote a discussion on the position that "Community colleges should follow the K-12 education system for their faculty and administration responsibilities". The position could not be more wrong but I have to find support for it anyways, awesome.


Oh and guess who just rounded the corner, eyes bulging... Boom. Posted.

Old People Working Out.

I'm going to skip the rest of my family posts (Hahaha get it? Post-s) until a later date because right now I should be writing a paper but all I can think about is telling you (all seven of my followers) about the dress code at my community's gym.


Like I said, I live in a predominantly old person community. It has a golf course, all-you-can-eat fish fry on Friday nights at the clubhouse, water aerobics at the pool and a gym. When I say gym I mean one elliptical, one treadmill, one stair stepper, two sit down bikes (God forbid there be a standing bike), free weights, and a couple of weightlifting machine type things... you know what I mean. (The details are important!) Also there is a 'leave one, take one' library which, no joke, houses an entire collection of Nora Roberts romance novels... jackpot! Oh, and an Ab Lounge.


Okay so anyway I was there a couple of weeks ago just wanting to do the elliptical for a half an hour (which is a big deal for me) and I was obviously wearing full on gym attire. About 7 minutes into my workout a man walks in, about 110 years-old... actually maybe 70. He decided not go with the regular outfit  of sweats, t-shirt, and sneakers, he instead chose to wear full on pleated khaki pants, a leather belt, a long sleeve sweater, and those all white 'very supportive' shoes that are just perfect for hittin' the gym, if you know what I mean. This outfit would have been perfect if maybe it had actually been cold outside, but it was one of those freak instances in the middle of January where it was 70 degrees. Regardless, I mean come on... you do not even own a pair of sweat pants or a t-shirt? It looked like he was just getting a 'quick workout' in before he went to the community center to play Mahjong with his buddies from the book club.


This isn't the first time I have seen this either, another man was wearing a vest... A VEST! Working on his abs on the ab lounge, rocking a vest. Meanwhile, half the neighborhood is tanning by the outside pool because, you know, Melanoma isn't their main concern at this stage in their life or anything...


This is what I think the old people of my neighborhood should be doing instead of working out in their Sunday best:

Boom. Posted.

From Boom, Roasted to Boom. Posted.

For all of you who do not understand my "Boom. Posted." catch phrase, it is a play off of the "Boom. Roasted" episode from the Office:

Boom. Posted.

You Can't Pick Your Family: Part 1

Family. That six letter word that many people fear around the holidays, baptisms, gymnastic meets, and such actually brings about a pretty good feeling for me. Now don't get me wrong, after about a month or two of being stuck in Alaska with that six letter word I start getting a little Szchio... but before that time, everything is great!


My father is one of the funniest people I know. One day I started referring to him as Fabio who, unbeknownst to me at the time, has incredibly long, thick, and lustrous hair... and my dad... well he doesn't, but he likes the nickname anyway.


I definitely inherited my godlike sarcastic characteristics from that man.The best part about it, or it could be the worst depending on the situation, is that he knows he is funny and its even better when it backfires right in his face!


Par example: Back in 2001, my dad, my little brother, and I are all in the car waiting at Sonic for our food to arrive. The car hop comes to collect the tab, which was under $10, and my father proceeds to hand the girl a 20 dollar bill and adds "keep the change". She then replies with "Wow, sir, that's a pretty big tip!" and my dad realizes he mistook that 20 for a 10 and quickly fixes the problem. All could have been fine and dandy but he continued to add "hey I got a tip for ya, brush and floss everyday" (which he would tell us children on every occasion and we never found it truly funny). But apparently this woman did because she gave us a big ole smile... with only a few teeth missing... like three. Boom. Posted.


Next example: my father got really into to those commercials about staying at the Holiday Inn Express once and so now he has unmeasured knowledge about unlikely areas. Here is one of them just in case you have been living under a Motel 8 the past 10 years....

So my dad thinks these commercials are hilarious and starts throwing that line out whenever he gets a chance. Like this one time (at band camp) we are at Sports Authority looking at baseballs and gloves, just dad and I. We are in the aisle checking things out and another father and his son are checking things out as well. If you have never been to the Sports Authority, all the employees used to wear red shirts (I don't know what the deal is now, the only place I go to "Oh, You Used to be Athletic... Here are Some Yoga Pants and Traffic Stopping Neon Colored Sports Bras", also known as Target). So back to the story at hand, my father is NOT wearing a red shirt, in fact he was probably wearing his most religious running shirt ("because its so 'Holey' Lauren"). Well the other man all of the sudden asks my dad "Excuse me, but do you work here?" and without missing a beat my father replies, "No... but I stayed at a Holiday Inn Express once", to which the man responds with a very meager "ha..." and grabs his son and walks away... My 12 year old self wanted to shrivel up and die of humiliation. But my dad thought he was the funniest person in the whole aisle... so that was a plus.


Tune in tomorrow when I discuss the person I like to call "Madre". Boom. Posted.

Boom... posted

Here it is, the day Melissa has always dreamed of, the day I begin a blog. My life right now is in a little bit of a limbo. I live with my 72 year-old maternal grandmother from Texas. I told her I was going to start writing a blog and she asked what it was going to be about. I explained "oh just the funny stuff that happens to me everyday (majority of the stuff being what she says or does) but don't worry, I'll just refer to you as my roommate", and she replied "oh that's good, well just call me your 'young at heart roommate'"-- here we go.


With attending night classes of grad school, living with my roommate and her third child Coco Chanel the Shi Tsu, serving at a golf clubhouse grill in the retirement community we live in, and dealing with the snowbirds of Arizona... I do not think I shall run out of things to... well... explain.


First up: At work today, two different ladies sitting at two separate tables, either ordered the sausage with their breakfast to be pre-wrapped in tinfoil before leaving the kitchen or asked for a napkin to place their bacon into... for their dogs! They literally wanted doggie bags for their spoiled, ugly dogs. I was practically speechless until I saw their generous tips... and then I was offering a whole meal for those precious, baby pooches.


The people of the street call my roommate's dog, 'the little general' because she thinks she owns the place. If I sneeze while she is within a five foot radius of me she leaps in the air, terrified (as does my roommate) but when she is out on the town, oh I mean street, she barks as if she is a 150 lb. Chow Chow in desperate need of an attitude adjustment. Not to mention she does not even know how to lick food off a plate. A dog. Can not lick food... from a plate? "Its because she is a person, Lauren", explains my roommate.

Cheese is her favorite people food and if she hears the cheese drawer open in the fridge she will come running. But if I offer here a plate that has cheese on it, the anguish and deliberation over how to attain her precious cheese from this terrifying ceramic plate is almost more that her little 10 lb. body could ever bear.


Sometimes I like to play tricks on her, which is why we are not always on speaking terms, and I will throw a blanket over her while she is sleeping or come up behind her and grab her tail. I'm just joking though, I don't understand why she gets so upset? Like I'm going to smother her little smooshed face until she can no longer breathe any more air into that squashed, tiny nose and her little eyes start bugging out even more... well... I would never. But you better believe she gets a little paranoid when I get chilly and the couch blanket appears.... Boom. Posted.